Looking at grad school stuff and feeling sick and shaky and nervous and weird and this is a silent cry for help (help). If I read the words ‘hone your craft’ one more time I might actually lose it enough to change my mind. When will my life not involve mindlessly yet thoughtfully checking my emails? (probably never)

I would like something bright, shiny, and new. Something that is mine and no one else’s.

I would also like some coffee.

reminding myself of the desires I don’t even know I have

Continued

I am trying to remember what made me go back so many times, why that was okay, why it was necessary, why I thought it was necessary, why I felt like I owed someone something, and why I felt like everyone owed me something, almost as great as I owed them. Why I felt bad when I did nothing wrong. Why I didn’t feel bad when I did so much wrong. I am forgiving and forgetting. You, and you, and you, and myself. The first part I am good at, I think. A surface level forgiveness, maybe not the deep seeded, seventy times seven kind. I am willing. I am able. I am trying. I am willing and able to try. I am apologizing profusely for my past self. Does one ever get to a point in life where that doesn’t have to happen? Does one ever do anything profusely but apologize, or bleed? I will let you know if I (when I) ever find out.

I want everyone who has ever hurt me to be miserable. I mean, I want everyone who has ever hurt me to say sorry and mean it. To recognize and apologize. To say “I am so sorry I hurt you and made you feel this way. This way in which you do not deserve to feel, because you are a kind person. Because you were a kind person to me.” I harbor resentment and anger that only comes up when I really think about it. I am trying to figure out what made me think things that happened/didn’t happen were okay. Why I brought things upon myself, and didn’t stop them. Why I did nothing. Why I did too much. I am genuinely sorry to anyone who wants me to be miserable. You don’t deserve it.

I hope you are happy.

I have forgotten how to fool myself-

and remembered I was never really fooling myself to begin with.